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Recently I came across this book called "Neengal Yaar?" (who are you?) by Mr. Soma. Valliappan. It was a book that categorises people into 9 groups based on their attitude and personality. To identify their personality types he had given a set of questionnaire at the annexure. This is a really useful book. Under my personality type I had been given some characteristics which I found surprisingly true to a large extent. Of one of the traits, 'a mild jealousy' was listed, which I agree and acknowledge. Today's blog is all about the jealousiness I had / have in my life. I always felt jealous when I didn't get something I longed for but it lands in somebody else from my circle's lap. Thankfully barring one instance, the jealousy trait had never been problematic.

All I felt more jealous and insecure was in relationships, not in my professional life. It always happens that with whomever I like a lot (or have a crush on), I never got my affection reciprocated. Alternately I had never been so appreciative of many people who liked me a lot. Else I was intimidated to reciprocate affection showered on me. So a sense of pain / longingness for the unreachable person is always there, but it never affected my policy of living life to the fullest. Coming to jealousy, first time I felt so jealous was about the friendship ARM and LMS in my 20's because I wanted to be the confidant of LMS, but somewhere I was displaced by ARM. I chose to distance myself from them with a heavy heart and that pain lasted for years...

When I was in UAE I liked CM very much, but CM liked ARV very much. On a get together ARV said that he thinks CM as his brother, vindicating CM's feelings. I started getting jealous about ARV and it played a role in affecting my cordial relationship with ARV to some extent, even though I didn't severe the ties this time. But a damage had been done. I came back to India and was struggling to grip with my career here relegating everything else to background. Still I used to get burns when thinking of CM or ARV.

{mosimage}Just they say "Time is the best healer". After the breakups, I always worked on a logic of hating hard to overcome the pains. But with the passage of time I realised that I am incapable of hating somebody I loved earlier, on the grounds of not getting reciprocated. I should kick myself first for falling for persons of not my type. Still I love LMS, ARM and CM very much as I did in the earlier times but unconditionally. I am keeping myself off from them as I am not their type of person or vice versa. Ofcourse these incidents made me still more introverted to keep my feelings and intentions within myself.

Professionally I felt mildly jealous about some of my friends who didn't struggle as much as I did, but please don't read between the lines. I love my friends and I wish them all luck and success. May be I am not lucky, why fume on my friends than blaming my stars.

Today I have cooled down a lot that I don't feel jealous about anybody or anything. Even if jealous, the feelings are momentory. I am really happy that friendships between LMS & ARM is lasting times, may be I couldn't have continued for this long. Infact now I have learnt to look in myself for my happiness and emotional support rather than looking out. Even when I take somebody close to my heart I am prepared for their separation also simultaneously. I won't cry if they move on by circumstances.

I look at myself and feel that I am blessed in many ways. Why should I look on what others got? I admit that I have some grey areas but not as bad when I look myself as a third person. As long as it doesn't turn me a predator, the presence of jealousy is something I don't mind.

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About myself
Maheshwaran
Author: MaheshwaranWebsite: https://www.maheshwaran.com
I am a SAP Consultant in my late 30s, residing in the happeing IT City - Bangalore. My interests vary from reading to travelling to handicrafts to photography. My latest interest is on Body building. May be this vivid interest keeps me going in my life without getting bored.

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